John Mayer

Posted on January 14th, 2008Tweet0

NOW THAT THE OFFSEASON IS 1 WEEK OLD...THOUGHTS ON A LITTLE THING CALLED COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Since I haven't been doing any marathon running lately, I thought I'd do some marathon typing and offer my thoughts on the end of the college football season (a truly tremendous one to watch if you like unpredictableness-age-tion-ibility). With more upsets than former Yugoslavia in the 1990s and more flip-flopping in the polls than Santa Monica in the summer, it was truly, literally, a level-playing field. That's right, 120 yards of 180 degree flatness.

Impressive: The SEC. If I recall correctly, Auburn, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, and LSU all covered in their bowl games. Mississippi State and Kentucky won their games. It wasn't Florida's day and Arkansas was playing without a Nutt, but an overall solid performance by the Southeastern Conference (nine teams in bowls! #1 and #2 in the final AP poll? yikes).

Unimpressive: The only think weaker than the Ha-WAC-ii thinking it could come out and play any real team from any real conference on any real television station with it's undefeated-because-we-played-single-A-class-high-school-caliber-teams-all-season attitude is Ohio State. I'd rather be Michigan: showcase the biggest upset in the history of the sport (at the time, USC -- shoutout to The Cardinal for covering the +45), lose to you, and finish on a high note and not get humiliated for the second year in a row in the BCS Championship. I mean, how many more times do we have to see Ohio State wasting a spot at the top of the polls for months then a spot in a big bowl game before everyone realizes their conference (and therefore schedule) is soft, they have no conference championship game, and they only won a national championship because of a bogus pass interference call in OT?

Teams with reason to complain: USC ('cept you shouldn't have lost to STANFORD), UGA ('cept you should have won your DIVISION), Missouri (actually pretty legitimate complaining - if Mizzou beats OU in the Big 12 Championship, does the Orange Bowl still take Kansas over Oklahoma? I bet not...)

Teams with reason to celebrate: LSU (the new NFL U?), Kansas (1-1 in games that mattered), Tech (later Chan!)

I've decided to pull a Utah and marry my two loves...well, almost - I've drawn up some comparisons for you, if Football Conferences Were Musicians. I'm sad R. Kelly didn't make the list, but Sun Belt, there's always next year!

ACC
In theory (and composition), one of the coolest, most badass groups ever. In reality, high points that are really really great and a lot that is mush.
Music Industry Parallel:

The Roots

Big East
Small. Fast. More than anything, lucky. One of those things where you SWEAR you don't like it but you find yourself engrossed in enjoying it all of a sudden.
Music Industry Parallel:

Soulja Boy

Big Ten
First and foremost not what you seem, you 11-team-having-weirdo. Then a little uppity, a little nerdy, a thick wallet, and a lot of self-pride.
Music Industry Parallel:

Avril Lavigne

Big 12
The glory days from the heartland weren't so long ago, but you're not so convinced they're gone. And you'll do anything to prove it....except prove it.
Music Industry Parallel:

Bon Jovi

(close second: Counting Crows)

Pac-10
Modelly - strong, goodlooking, and sleek. Strength seems to rely on one or two individuals rather than the entire group (both in the conference and on individual teams).
Music Industry Parallel:

New Kids On The Block

SEC
Strong, dirty, sweaty, and a little thick. Dominating the headlines as of late.
Music Industry Parallel:

Britney Spears

(close second: Li'l Wayne)

- it should be pointed out that these selections are also geographically appropriate for the SEC, extra points awarded to the author of this entry.

Conference USA
Can you name any of its members or anything it's done?
Music Industry Parallel:

Polyphonic Spree

Mountain West
Every now and then they put out something reeeeaaaal nice, Clark, that catches everyone's eye...then it's back to the world of mediocrity and annoyance.
Music Industry Parallel: