PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS: A SELF-HELP SERIES BY SCOTTY CROWE

NOTE: After a loose political gathering was held last night under the auspices of a holiday party, much of the below has been incorporated into legislative action, tentatively titled "Prop 82: The Cologne Initiative."TOPIC #1: THE SENSE OF SMELLProblems:-People smoke cigarettes.-People rarely finish a full bottle of cologne before realizing they don't really care for the scent. Turns out 3.4oz is a LOT of smelly liquid.Solution:-Institute a federal law that states:"Should a citizen choose to smoke cigarettes in public, any bystander within 15 feet is permitted to spritz the smoker with 3 pumps of the cologne or perfume of his/her choice. Target areas should include, but not be limited to, the face, hair, and chest area."Effect on Society:This will not only help everyone finish off those bottles of CK One, Safari, Woods, Sunflowers, Curve, and every other Valentine's-Day-gift-from-middle-school they've been holding on to, but it will give the smokers of the world a taste of how it feels to go home and have to dry clean your clothes and wash your hair because someone around you decided to be selfish.Next week: "The Secret To Working In A Mattress Store." HINT: it begins with your salespeople wearing pajamas on the showroom floor.